I'm a new creation; I'm a brand new man. If
you were to ask me who I was in the Fall of 1977, I would have told you, "I am a
husband, I am a factory representative, I am the owner of a collector's car..." Just
6 months later in the spring of 1978; if you would have asked me who I was, I would have
told you, "I am divorced, I am changing jobs, I am dealing with my dad's death, I am
struggling with my sexuality, I am a failure!"
I had been told all my life that I was a failure. I believed I
wasn't much of a son, I wasn't much of a husband or lover. In short, I believed I wasn't
much of a man. Confusion would be an understatement to describe my life at that point. I
needed some answers. I discovered that alcohol could smooth out the rough edges. I decided
to go back to the church I had attended while I was married. However, before I could say
much, the pastor told me that there was no place for "the likes of me" in
church. At the age of 12 I had known I was loved by God. But from this pastor's dialogue,
I left that day feeling that there was no hope for me from the church or God. I knew this
pastor didn't love me, and I believed that God didn't either. So booze became my friend
and comforter. During this time, I continued to seek love and affirmation through sexual
encounters with other men. This continued for over 2 years, until on St. Patrick's Day in
1980. I remember sitting on a bar stool getting drunk after being off the bottle for over
3 months. I couldn't help myself and I remember feeling double doomed. I was a drunk and I
was "queer." That was the most lonely day I had ever lived.
For two more years I continued to drink and go from one sexual
encounter to another seeking some sort of hope. Then on March 14, 1982, I put the cork in
the bottle. I had a new identity. I was an alcoholic, yet I had also discovered God By
going to a 12 step program for over 3 years, I began to get better and feel responsible. I
had a job and some friends. But there was a void in my heart that just kept getting bigger
and bigger until one time I gave in and went with another fellow from the 12 step program
to a "church." My friend told me about this "church" where I would
feel accepted and safe. The "church" was the Metropolitan Community Church
(MCC).
I knew the men there at the MCC from the bars and parks so I
only started feeling comfortable after several visits. After attending 4 or 5 times,
something happened to me. I discovered a man who really loved me. His name was Jesus
Christ and He knew all about me, and He still loved me. He didn't make fun of me, call me
names, beat me, or want anything from me except to be my friend. I had a new identity. I
was now a "Christian Gay."
Christ actually came to me in the MCC because I couldn't get
to Him in my old church. I learned then that God and the church are not mutually
inclusive. During this time, I really bought it all. I don't remember ever
"choosing" to be gay. I did everything I could not to be gay, so by accepting
the "lie" as truth, at least the guilt left. But as I grew in sobriety and as a
Christian, I began to feel that old tugging at my spirit and soul again. I became even
more active in church politics, even being elected to a church board position. I served as
a licensed deacon and finally as a student clergy. I accepted my call into the ministry of
Jesus Christ, but there was a major problem, I was a homosexual.
You see, others were like me. They were not able to return to
their former home churches. They needed a place to feel wanted, affirmed, accepted and
whole. I had even given communion to a gentlemen and his mother in a hospital where he was
dying of AIDS. I did it because their church wouldn't, and I was doing this with a genuine
love to help them to know Christ. Even in the midst of my own deception I have lead men to
meet my best friend Jesus, because they weren't offered salvation in their own home
churches.
God related to me in a vision from The Poseidon Adventure,
there were two priests on board ship. When the ship turns over at sea, the older priest
stays with the older group of people, while the younger priest took a small group of
younger people to the top deck and escaped. God said, "that's you," I thought
that He meant I was to be the older priest and go down with the ship. God really meant I
would be like the younger priest, God said, "you are to lead them out!" Up until
this point, I didn't know I could get out of the lifestyle! However, I kept feeling a sort
of tugging in my soul, that this wasn't enough for me. Something was terribly wrong.
Holiness (being separated into a right relationship with God) and homosexuality do not go
hand and hand. As I hungered more for Jesus, I gave up more of myself and I received more
of Jesus. I felt very uncomfortable in the old life, but I still didn't know I had a
choice, until a friend felt led to leave me some pamphlets from this ministry, Restoration
Outreach. I took one look at them and tossed them away. I was afraid of being let down
again. At this time, I went into serious prayer and fasting. I asked God to give me
something concrete to hang on to. I wanted a billboard. I remembered Restoration
Outreach's phone number. I called and while I was prepared to have to wait a long time for
an appointment, God flung open the doors! My whole life changed direction as I heard Wanda
Harris say, "Isn't it wonderful you have a choice." And the door to my Exodus
has remained open.
You see the real Church, gave me something the MCC can't give,
A CHOICE. The real Church says, "Jesus Christ delivers." He is still in the
delivery business! The real Church said, "I love you brother, you are in trouble.
However, you do not have to stay there." The real body of Christ showed me that Jesus
really does heal, and how to keep that healing. It was the love of Christ that compelled
me. Christ's members showed me that I now have a new identity, and have taught me to
become a new man. The man that GOD intended me to be! The new man Christ set me free to
be. You, the real Church of Jesus Christ gave me a choice, hope, and freedom.
The steps out of homosexuality have not been easy or instant.
It has been a process which has taught me that Abba Father is indeed my Father and my
source. I have learned that God's Word is the standard, that my "lifestyle" must
fit it, and not the other way around. I have been transformed by renewing my mind. I have
been taught to dream again, and that those dreams can be a reality; change can occur if I
want it and work at it using God's strength, power and His Word. Change has occurred and I
have hope again!
My name is Chuck McConkey, I am a new creation, a brand new
man. Today I live with my beautiful wife and two boys in the Tulsa area, where we minister
to those in homosexuality, to God be all the GLORY!
Chuck McConkey is also a graduate of Rhema Bible College. Chuck and his wife Betty work with a new Exodus International referral agency, Restoration By Grace, a ministry of Grace Fellowship located at 9610 S. Garnett Road, Broken Arrow, a suburb of Tulsa, Oklahoma. You can contact Chuck and Betty at 918-254-1175.
Used by permission of First Stone Ministries, 1330 N. Classen Blvd., Suite G-80, Oklahoma City, OK 73106; 405-236-HOPE (4673).
[ Homepage | Personal Pages | Current Issues | Support Groups | Your Story | FAQ | Love In Action ]