Donna: In college. We were in the same orientation group at the beginning of our freshman year. Right from the beginning, I sensed Joe was someone I could trust.
LIA: Did you begin dating right away?
Donna: No. But we started taking evening walks, talking, praying, sharing Scriptures together. During that first year, an incredible foundation was built for our future relationship. Everybody else thought we were dating. "Oh, no, we're just friends!" I told them although I felt differently inside. Joe: Then Donna confessed she was having feelings for me. I didn't know how to respond; I guess it scared me. Our friendship cooled a bit, although we continued seeing each other. I talked with Donna deeper than I'd ever communicated with anybody in my life. The following year, I felt comfortable with a more romantic relationship. That lasted about seven months, then we broke up at the end of our sophomore year.
LIA: Why the breakup?
Joe: At that point, I felt ambivalent and even indifferent toward Donna. Unknown to her, I'd been struggling with homosexual feelings since puberty. I first remember feeling the need for attention from older males about age eight. These feelings became eroticized when I was about 13 or 14. During high school, I was sexually attracted toward adult males, and these feelings continued into college. Donna: I was dealing with different issues. At the age of seven, I was sexually molested by an older cousin. I sobbed myself to sleep at night and, like many victims, never said anything. The abuse continued at different times over the next eight years.
As a result, I had great difficulty trusting other people. When Joe and I began holding hands and kissing, all the horrible memories came pouring out. I began having terrible dreams. Finally I told Joe about the incest. He hugged me and said it didn't change how he felt about me. So I was devastated when Joe broke off our relationship. I felt abandoned all over again.
LIA: Then what happened?
Joe: We went into our "awkward" year. We were both juniors, and our campus was so small that we saw each other often. I dated a few other girls, but other relationships always lacked the depth I'd had with Donna. I was continually comparing other girls with her.
That year I joined in some activities with some guys who I really admired for their character and spiritual depth. We'd go out for Bible study over breakfast. I started relating to other men as peers, with a depth I'd never experienced before.
Unfortunately, though, my homosexual feelings continued. I struggled with gay pornography and compulsive masturbation, but hoped that finding a wife and getting married would take care of the problem. I had no idea of the deep roots to my homosexual struggles.
After graduation, I committed myself to overseas missions. I spent the next 3 1/2 years in Japan, teaching English as a second language. Donna and I kept in touch; after the first year, our relationship deepened again.
LIA: Donna, what happened after Joe left for Japan?
Donna: We joke about it now: "Joe became a missionary, and I became a lesbian!" Let me back up for a minute. When I was in college, I became aware that my female friendships were more important to me than for other women. I started having attractions for other women. These feelings were very puzzling and troubling. I didn't understand them.
After graduation, I developed a friendship with another woman. Eventually I became emotionally-dependent on her, then our relationship progressed to sexual involvement. Even though at first I felt guilty and troubled, I became committed to her. Our relationship was meeting my needs for affirmation. Someone was "always there," which tied into my abandonment issues. This lesbian involvement continued for much of the time Joe was away in Japan.
LIA: How did you discover you were both dealing with homosexuality?
Joe: In February 1987, Donna sent me a tape. "Joe, there are things I need to tell you," she said. "Things have really been falling apart for me here." She talked about her friend. I wasn't quite sure what she meant; I thought maybe the sexual aspect was a onetime event.
So I responded by telling Donna about the time a guy had approached me sexually in college. I hadn't responded to his advances, but I'd felt insecure and confused inside.
Donna: About a month later, I sent another tape telling Joe about my involvement in Desert Stream [an ex-gay ministry in the Los Angeles area]. It was very painful to confess my lesbian involvement to Joe. I didn't want him to be disappointed in me, to turn away.
In response to my tape, Joe called me from Japan. He reassured me that he still cared for me, that my confession didn't surprise him, given my background. Then he asked me a very penetrating question: "Do you really want to know me?" Of course, I assured him that I did.
LIA: What did you tell her, Joe?
Joe: I sent her a tape with my confession! I told her that I'd also struggled and asked her for help in dealing with my homosexual feelings.
LIA: Donna, what was your reaction?
Donna: I was shocked I had no idea! But I was also relieved. Now there is absolutely no hope for this relationship, I told myself. With nothing to lose, I poured out my heart. Letters, tapes and phone calls really began flying!
LIA: How did God prepare you for eventual marriage?
Joe: Donna sent me some Christian books on homosexuality. I was barely hanging on, crying out to the Lord, "Help! I'm in a desert land here!" But as I studied and prayed, grace entered my heart in a whole new way. I finally opened up to God with my sin; before this, I'd felt I could handle it myself.
At least once a week, I wrote to Donna, telling her what was happening in my life. That Christmas, I came home for vacation and we talked seriously about where our relationship was going.
We didn't know any other couple who had worked through our situation.
Donna: By this time, I was in love with Joe, but I was so blocked emotionally that I wasn't even aware of it. But after he went back to Japan, I missed him desperately. I poured myself into the materials I was studying from Desert Stream. Some days I spent up to 14 hours reading, studying, praying. Joe finally returned home that April.
LIA: How did you get engaged?
Donna: (laughs) That's quite a story! Joe took me out to dinner on May 25, 1988. "I want to spend the rest of my life with you," he said that evening. "Will you marry me?"
My mouth dropped open. I was absolutely speechless for once in my life! Then I got scared. "What about the wedding night? Come on, Joe. I was a lesbian. It's not going to work. Where are you coming from, anyway?" I told him how inadequate I was to be a wife. I was so insecure and unsure. Joe's eyes filled with tears. "We have the rest of our lives to work all these things out," he said. "I'm committed to you."
LIA: Donna, how did God change your mind?
Donna: Two days later, I awoke at 6 am and started wrestling with God! I told Him all the reasons why I could not marry Joe. Then God said, "But you love him and he loves you. I will be your strength; I will walk with you through this." I sobbed and sobbed.
Finally I woke Joe up about 9 am. "I have something to tell you," I announced. "I will marry you." "Are you for real?" he asked. "Yes," I promised. "I'm for real."
LIA: What struggles did you have during engagement?
Donna: Planning the wedding brought up all my insecurities as a woman. Getting into a wedding dress-whew! I looked in the mirror...I was a woman! That was scary.
I was also afraid that Joe wouldn't be faithful to me. I feared there was no way I could have a permanent relationship with a man, that we'd fail.
But our wedding was the best day of my life. Boy, it was fun! I was so overwhelmed by Joe's love that I cried during the vows, which shocked my family!
Joe: When we went through a marriage preparation class, I saw we were dealing with the same issues as everyone else. In fact, we had already dealt with so much that we were already beyond most of the other couples in the class.
Finally, it came down to knowing it was God's will for us to marry, and then trusting Him for the unknown. I acknowledged my fears, then took that final step by faith.
LIA: What's been your biggest challenge since the wedding?
Donna: Dealing with my identity. Merging with Joe into a one-flesh union seemed like losing my identity. After our wedding, I couldn't bring myself to register my name change at the social security office. Finally we had a prayer session at Desert Stream, and one of the leaders prophesied over me: Just as Jacob became Israel and Sarai became Sarah, the Lord was giving me a new name. It was God's gift and I was to receive it. I wasn't losing something; I was gaining.
LIA: What's been the biggest surprise of marriage? Donna: Our sexual relationship. I thought it would be a disaster and it was difficult at first. I was so terrified and shut off. I had many issues from the past and it took time to really work them through. Yet now, nearly two years later, I can't believe how wonderful and fulfilling our sexual relationship is.
LIA: How do you rate your marriage?
Joe: We have a great marriage. There's a lot of trust, deep commitment, and we work through things as they surface. We can still have passing flashbacks or desires of homosexuality, but it's not the pervading thing; it's far outweighed by the good aspects of our relationship.
And we love to date! We enjoy movies, picnics, camping, going for walks. We have a lot of fun together.
Donna: I've really experienced God's unconditional love through my husband. The love that Joe pours into me has created a safe place. It's solidified my identity, it's called me out as a woman. I love the fact that we can have a deep, intimate and sexual relationship and it's in the center of God's will. I don't have to repent of it or hide it. That's what I enjoy the most. Joe is such a wonderful person, a very special man. I can't imagine life without him.
Copyright (C) 1990 by Bob Davies. Distributed by Love In Action, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307; 901/542-0250
[ Homepage | Personal Pages | Current Issues | Support Groups | Your Story | FAQ | Love In Action ]