The doctor and my father came out of the room together. After the doctor had gone, my father went to the table where three of my four sisters were sitting. I watched him pick up each one and comfort them. I was sitting there crying, but I was left alone, unnoticed by my dad. It doesn't do any good to feel, I decided. Nobody cares anyway. And so very early I learned to stuff my feelings.
In the following years, I lived with several different families. Part of the time I had one or two of my sisters with me; sometimes, it was just me. I'm sure these moves were difficult for me, but I don't remember having feelings about the changes. In these families, I perceived the mother figures to be distant and unloving. Father figures were drunk, emotionally distant, or molesting me. My only contact with my father was a monthly 30-minute visit (if that) and then he would be off to see the next child.
Often, I felt unwanted and useless. Life is unfair, I would think. Why doesn't somebody love me? Instead of love, all I heard was "Get out of my sight!" when I had done something displeasing.
I was given smaller food portions than the rest of the family, so often I was hungry. Sometimes I ate dog food to quell the hunger pangs. At other times, my foster father would lure me into the barn, enticing me with a candy bar. But he'd withhold it from me until I satisfied him sexually.
I survived these years by withdrawing into a fantasy world where I was a "superman" figure saving the world. But I never dreamed of rescuing myself. I didn't count.
During childhood, I was forced to attend church, where I heard about a God who would punish me if I did wrong. However, I also remember learning the hymn, "What A Friend We Have in Jesus." Somehow I knew there was a God who loved me.
Then, during sixth grade, I was unwillingly dragged to the church altar during a service. "If this is what church is all about," I told myself, "I don't want any part of it!" After that, I did everything I could to avoid church.
My first memory of hungering for love from another woman dates back to high school. We had a neighbor who would wave to me from her kitchen window and invite me into her antique shop to see her treasures. I loved to be with her, and wished that she could be my mother. Often I found myself standing in places or doing things where she would notice me.
I finished high school in 1953 and entered nurse's training in Portland, Maine. Back then, homosexuality was rarely mentioned. But when I read about the subject in my psychiatric textbook, I had a fleeting thought: Maybe that's what I am.
My first involvement in lesbianism occurred after graduation when I became friends with another nurse. One night, while staying overnight at her house, she reached out to me in a sexual way. I responded positively to her advances and we began a four-year lesbian relationship. I had six relationships over the next 12 years. These women temporarily satisfied my need for love and acceptance. However, after a time, each relationship would cool down and we would drift apart.
Although I appeared normal, professional and successful on the outside, I lived with constant guilt and fear of being "found out." When a relationship would end, I'd deny that I was gay and promise myself never to enter another lesbian relationship. But sooner or later, I would respond to a physical overture from someone, which would lead to a sexual relationship and emotional enmeshment.
In 1968, at the invitation of a co-worker, I became in-volved in taking occult classes and learned that there was a "good god" who loved me. I believed this was the god I'd been searching for.
No one knew of my lesbian involvement, and I struggled alone with my guilt and fears. While still involved in my last relationship, however, I told my friend, "This relationship is sin, and I can no longer be involved." I believe God heard and honored that confession of my heart. I still did not know Him, but His grace was already at work in my life.
In 1972, I became interested in Transactional Analysis and studied to become a T.A. Therapist. The next year, God pulled my security blankets out from underneath me through a situation at work. I found my false "gods" in-sufficient for my needs, and I resigned my position. Over the next few months, God raised up one of His children to befriend me and tell me about Jesus. She had her whole Bible study group praying for me. That fall, I was born again as God revealed Himself to me through His Word and His people.
Finally I truly understood about sin, confessed my past immorality, and received God's forgiveness. I had permanently stopped my sexual involvement with other women. However, the deep need for love-the root issue of my lesbian longings-had yet to be resolved.
As a new Christian, I had a tremendous fear of letting anyone know I had been involved in lesbian relationships. The gay jokes and ridicule I heard among professing Chris-tians only reinforced my fear of rejection. If they know about my past, they will reject me, I thought. I told others about my previous involvement in the occult, transactional analysis, and other sins-but remained silent about my lesbianism.
Then I became friends with another nurse who was going through a rough time. I was ecstatic when we'd do things together and looked forward to the next time we'd be together. Most of our activities were church- related, and I believe God used her to help me grow spiritually. However, I became emotionally dependent on this woman (the feelings were one-sided). There was not a physical attraction, but the emotional enmeshment was just as destructive.
God used three things to begin dealing with the roots of lesbianism in my life. First, He arranged a confrontation with my friend about my past. One time after we had returned from visiting a neighbor, my friend asked, "How come the topic of homosexuality seems to come up so often in conversations with you and others?" I remained silent.
"Have you ever been a homosexual?" she shouted, and I admitted the truth.
She looked at me with fire in her eyes. "And I thought I could trust you. What a hypocrite! I'm not even sure you're a Christian." She stormed out and drove off in her car as I fell to my knees, crying out to God for help.
I felt so ashamed and abandoned once more. I seriously contemplated getting into my car and leaving forever. But at just the right time, my friend returned and we talked about my previous involvement in lesbianism. She apologized for her reaction. Later I learned that she was fearful of her own reputation since I was living with her and her children at this time. From then on, I resolved to be open about my past with any serious friendships.
Second, this friend began dating and doing other things without me. I found myself feeling jealous, hurt, possessive, and rejected. I felt abandoned again, which caused de-pression and inner turmoil. At this time there were no ex-gay ministries, and I knew of no one with whom I could share my struggles.
One day I was praying when the Lord brought to mind the words, "inordinate affection" (see Col. 3:5). I sensed that God was talking about the underlying dynamic of my relationship with my roommate, and that I needed to repent of it. I was amazed. Before this, I had only associated lesbianism with sexual involvement. Now I began to understand how my need for healthy same-sex love had become distorted. I asked the Lord to forgive me and help me have His love for my friend.
Another night I told the Lord, "I don't care if I never have another friend in my life. You alone are enough!" I meant those words, and experienced a release from the emotional bondage I'd felt in my heart.
Third, God prevented me from helping others so He could show me my worth and value in Him. He showed me that I needed to learn how to receive. At the time I was physically helpless, emotionally drained, and very needy. It humbled me to learn that God and His people accepted me, even when I had nothing to give.
I knew that I had to start forming some other rela-tionships and felt God urging me to attend a women's Bible study at church. I went many times in sheer obedience, not hearing much of what was said, but simply receiving all the Lord was doing in me through His Word and His people. Gradually I began going for coffee afterward with some of the women. God used those times to show me I could have friends without all the emotional baggage that I'd had in the past. And He began filling my same-sex love deficit through several women-not just one. I even shared my lesbian past with the group, and was still accepted.
Inner healing prayer and healing of memories were also a part of my recovery. I forgave those who had traumatized me in childhood, but the Lord alone did the healing; unfortunately, all the people had died, leaving no opportunity for restoration of any relationships.
I also received ministry for my occult involvement. I had been deceived into thinking that I had found the god who would love me. I had to renounce this false god so nothing would hinder my relationship with the true God.
Since the early 1980s, I have noticed some major changes in my attitude toward men. I no longer fear them, and find myself attracted to them. I enjoy being hugged or having a man touch me on the shoulder. I've had thoughts like, I wonder what it would be like to be married? Does God have a husband for me? I have asked the Lord to allow me to marry if that is what He wants.
I walked away from lesbianism 24 years ago, and God dealt with its roots over a seven-year period after I became a Christian. Now I have a heterosexual orientation, although I am content being single and celibate.
A song that I love includes these words:
Instead of searching for love, I have learned to receive love from my Heavenly Father. In being able to receive, I have embraced an essential part of my femininity. God has filled my hunger for love-and I remain amazed at all He has done.
*Words from "Reaching" by Bill & Gloria Gaither, copyright © 1975 Gaither Music Co. Used by permission #940417.
Dottie Ludwig is involved in Eagles' Wings, an ex-gay ministry in Arden Hills, Minnesota. Copyright © 1994 by Dottie Ludwig. Distributed by Love In Action, PO Box 753307, Memphis, TN 38175-3307
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