"Through facing trials, fears and pain, I have learned that God is always there to comfort me and help me through the hard times."

"Have a seat, Bob," my doctor said. He paused, looking at me soberly. "Your test result came back positive. You have been exposed to the virus that causes AIDS. "Now, it's important for you to realize what this means," he continued. "It doesn't mean you will necessarily get AIDS. But the HIV virus is in your blood. As a result, your immune system has created antibodies to it." The year was 1985. It had been two years since I decided to leave the gay lifestyle, but now my secret fear was coming true. The AIDS virus had invaded my body. I was in the eighth grade when I had my first homosexual experience with one of the older guys at boarding school. My confused adolescent fantasies included sex with men and women after that. A second homosexual encounter during my first year of Bible college seemed to confirm what I'd suspected for years.

I must be gay, I thought. My friends seldom talked about sex. I felt they could never help or tolerate someone with my feelings. Homosexuality seemed too evil a subject to talk about. So I hid my problem, saying nothing to anyone.

Finally, I couldn't stand the hypocrisy I felt between my outward Christianity and my inner homosexual longings. The gay lifestyle appeared to offer love and acceptance, a place where I would finally belong. I quit college and plunged into the gay life. Over the next 12 years, I got heavily involved in drugs, alcohol and deep levels of sexual perversion in an attempt to deny the emptiness in my life.

Satan twisted my soul and personality until my behavior disgusted and shocked even me. But instead of love, acceptance and belonging, I only developed deeper levels of insecurity and self-hatred.

By the age of 30 I had the things that should have made me happy: a good job, my own home, and a 21-year-old lover who really cared for me. Yet none of this satisfied me. I wasn't even capable of being faithful to my lover and ended the relationship. All the things society implied would make me happy had failed.

One day, my mother gave me a sermon tape from her church. For the first time, I heard of men and women who had come out of homosexuality. God used that tape to soften my heart and to give me hope that change was possible. I went for counseling and experienced the power of God as He began changing and restoring my life.

For several months, my homosexual feelings vanished. My gay struggles are over, I thought naively. I'll never be troubled by homosexuality again.

But then all the old feelings came back. I sought counseling at church, but the counselor didn't really understand homosexuality. He felt that I shouldn't share with my friends what I was going through, and this made things even worse.

Soon I started going to parks and places where I could engage in anonymous sexual behavior. The conflict inside was terrible. Even though I wanted to serve the Lord, I couldn't stop my sin. The pain I felt was like slashing myself with a knife. I knew God held me responsible for my actions, but I felt powerless to break the addiction.

Because of the strain on my life and emotions, I started to seriously consider suicide. Thankfully God put people into my life to encourage me. Although they didn't know much about homosexuality, they gave me unconditional love and helped me to persevere. I cried out to God, and couldn't understand why He didn't seem to answer. Only later did I realize He was preparing help for me all along.

God brought me to a ministry for people who struggle with homosexuality. Their 18-week course changed my life by restoring my hope. For the first time I met people who had successfully left the gay lifestyle, including some who were happily married. The possibility of change and wholeness became a reality to me.

But during this period of new hope, my energy level plummeted. I went for tests. Two weeks later, my doctor informed me I tested positive to the HIV virus. It didn't seem fair and I cried out to God. "I'm finally getting some help and now this!"

Initially I felt angry at God and considered going back into the lifestyle. I had tried so hard, and now I might get AIDS. In my anger I even had thoughts of just going crazy and having sex with as many people as possible, as some sort of twisted revenge on God and life. It seemed that God had deserted me. "If God genuinely loved me, He wouldn't have let me get sick," I said to myself. I felt He was punishing me for not being good enough. As I worked through these feelings, I realized it was my choice to go into the gay lifestyle. My illness was a result of my sexual sin.

Also I realized my exposure to the virus had probably occurred before I returned to the Lord. He knew I would become ill and brought me help because He loved me. Jesus died on the cross for me and forgave my sins, but He didn't promise to take away all the physical consequences of those sins.

When I tested positive in 1985, I was told that only about 20% of the people who tested positive would actually get AIDS. Currently the figure quoted is around 70% and some physicians believe it will eventually be 100%. From a purely medical viewpoint the outlook is not encouraging.

Fortunately there is a great deal of work being done to find a cure. The doctors are getting better at prolonging and improving the life of AIDS patients. Even more important is the fact that God is not limited by man's knowledge. As a Christian I know all things are possible with Christ. I believe that God does physically heal people today. I have learned to be persistent in praying for my physical healing and to believe that it is possible.

After all, if God has the power to create this entire universe and to raise people from the dead, He can certainly destroy a small virus in my body.

Yet I have also learned not to equate being healed with receiving God's love. I know deep in my heart that God loves me. He will do what's best for my life.

In June of 1987, I developed PCP (Pneumocystis Carinii Pneumonia) which classified me as having "full-blown" AIDS. I don't know if God is going to heal me or take me home, but He is always there to comfort me.

One of the lessons God taught me was not to suppress the emotions of fear and grief. At first I tried, but that only made things worse. Instead I try to follow the example of David in the Psalms. He is always honest with God about where he is at. First he is honest about how he feels and then he focuses on how wonderful God is and what He has done.

It has been better for me to cry with my loved ones about how much it will hurt if God takes me home, rather then glossing over it and never discussing it. Only when I am willing to face fear and grief can Jesus come into the situation and bring me comfort. But if I refuse to talk about my feelings, communication and intimacy with my loved ones are blocked.

My life on earth will seem like a moment when compared with eternity. Learning to deal with AIDS and to trust the Lord since my diagnosis has brought me deeper peace and joy than I thought possible.

Through facing trials, fears and pain, I have learned that God is always there to comfort me and help me through the hard times. If I let myself remain in an attitude of self-pity or anger, it blocks the peace, joy and comfort that He has for me. Regardless of whether I am healed or taken to heaven, I know that facing AIDS has brought me closer to God than ever. The more I can develop a meaningful relationship with Him in this life, the better I will be able to serve Him during eternity. Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord and whose trust is the Lord. For he will be like a tree planted by the water, that extends its roots by a stream and will not fear when the heat comes; but its leaves will be green, and it will not be anxious in a year of drought nor cease to yield fruit. (Jeremiah 17:7-8)

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